Heartbreak Fetish

“I’m trying to have a normal day. I don’t think my mind will let me though.”

“Why do you say that, Frank?” Dr. Zavodsky sounded bored. He knew the answer all ready. I wonder why we play these games you and I.?

“I masturbated again last night.”

“The only thing wrong with you masturbating is how you use it to punish yourself. You use it to create a distance between yourself and everyone else.”

“Yes, but…”

“How is this any different from your eating disorder? Or your bad luck boxer shorts?”

“Underwear of Doom.” I corrected.

“Your having fun with it and that’s great, but you’re making yourself miserable.” The good doctor shifted in his chair, possibly farting. “You claim to desperately need a connection with people and yet you are so afraid of what that means that you come up with a thousand little reasons why you can not be happy.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Of course you can. What concerns me is that I don’t think you really know what you’re asking for.”

“What… a connection?”

“Exactly what does that mean to you. A connection.” The doctor tapped his right index finger against his temple. Directly above him was a painting that was either a multicolored cornucopia or some kind of rainbow black hole vortex. It’s positioning made it look like a cartoon thought bubble.

“I guess when someone just get’s you, at that level. You know?”

“I don’t know if that’s exactly a connection but let’s use your definition for now.”

“Ok.”

“If what you really want is for someone to get you than why do you intentionally obfuscate yourself?”

“I don’t…”

“You go out of your way to make it hard for someone to get you and you get upset or depressed when they don’t. Most people aren’t looking to socialize with someone that suffers from ornamental complexities. They want to know who they’re dealing with. If you can manage to present yourself to people as you are without all the machinations then I think that you will find that connection. If you find that you can’t, then the question you need to answer is why.”

“I still don’t think that I intentionally obfuscate my uh…”

“Frank you are perfectly normal in every way.” He took his finger off his temple and shook it at me a little. “Except that you don’t seem to know what to do with yourself. You’re trying to create order in your life because you believe that this petty order will in turn create purpose.”

“You don’t like me do you.”

“Frank I envy you. You have no real problems. Thinking that the reason you had a bad day is because you masturbated , or wore the wrong underwear, or forgot to buy art supplies is a serious problem to you. Why don’t you stop buying art supplies, take that money and buy some porn and lubricant and wear the underpants of destruction everyday for a week and see what happens. If the world economy collapses then maybe we should talk again.”

“I wish you wouldn’t mock me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a therapist that mocks their patients.”

“Perhaps, not to their faces. But you don’t need to be in therapy, Frank. Our time is up. I have bills to pay and if you want to see me again make an appointment. If you do then I suppose I’ll see you later.”

Dr. Zavodsky stood up and shook my hand. I stood up while still shaking it. He smiled politely and left. I thought about what he said. I suppose I didn’t really see his point. Maybe he was telling me to put myself out there more. I should have taken notes. He talks so damn fast. I walked out of his office and up to Lori the front desk chic. I never really thought of her as being attractive but I guess that she was.

“Hi Frank! Can we put you down for next Thursday?” She was so upbeat all the time.

“Yeah… No actually lets not.”

“Oh… ok.”

“Yeah the doctor says that I’m normal that I’m just too shy or something.”

“Oh well that’s great!”

“Do you want to get a drink later?” She looked a little puzzled. “There’s this great karaoke place down the way I love to hang out at.”

“I love karaoke it’s so fun.”

“I love watching karaoke why don’t you meet me at Chopsticks at ten. You know the place?”

“I’m going to bring a friend is that cool.”

“Sounds like a party. I’ll see you then.”

As I walked out I couldn’t help wondering if I was going to show up. I just blindly asked the first girl I saw to meet me at a bar. What the hell was wrong with me. I don’t care what the doctor says I’m a million miles from normal. I’m going to take his advice though. I’d join to go home and jerk off. Then I’m going to put on the underwear of doom and walk right past Columbia Art supply on my way to the bar. I’m going to walk headlong into danger and see what will happen. That’s me alright Frank Kosler, danger seeker.

“Henry, this is Desmond.” James said. Desmond stuck out his hand. Henry shook it without standing up.

“Hey, man what’s up?” Desmond asked.

“Hi.” Henry replied and let go of his hand.

“My car’s busted. Des gave me a ride.”

“That’s mighty Christian of you, Desmond.” Henry smiled. He shoved the last half of a spring roll into his mouth. They slid into the booth across from Henry. “Thanks for looking after our James here.”

Once again, Henry had shown up early taken the liberty of ordering for whole table. He never expected you to pay, but he’d take your money if you offered. James surveyed the variety of Vietnamese food on the table. The only food he could recognize by sight was pho, spring rolls, and iced coffee.

“Is Allen running late?” James asked

“Allen, emotionally at least, is fucked again. He saw a shadow that reminded him of Abby and now there will two more weeks of winter.” Henry paused and focused on Desmond. “So, James’ friend who I don’t know, do you have any food allergies and are you a hippie?”

“I’m not a hippie.”Desmond looked at James. James smiled. “I get hay fever.”

“Well then, you can have Allen’s food.”

“Oh, I’m just dropping James off. I have to go get more cigarettes.”

“Really…” Henry paused. It was inconceivable to him that someone would pass up a free meal at the Saigon House. “I’ve known James for a while now, why haven’t we met before?”

“I don’t know. Just lucky I guess.” Desmond smiled.

Henry stopped chewing. He set his fork down and sat back in his chair. Desmond looked confused. Henry looked over at James who was smiling and slowly shaking his head.

“What?” Desmond asked.Henry looked him in the eye and cocked his head slightly.

“Perhaps, I’m giving you took much credit.” He flagged down his waiter and pantomimed for a box. He was back in a flash and Henry boxed up a small variety for Desmond.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s nothing.” James chuckled.

“Here you are. Thanks again for dropping off James. I so hate dining alone.”

“Sure.” Desmond grabbed the styrofoam box and stood up. “Hey, call me man.” He pointed at James.

“Sure. I’d love to hear more revelations.”

“Thanks, Henry nice to meet you.”

“MmmHmm!” Henry answered with a mouthful of rice noodles. He saluted Desmond as he walked out the door.

“He’s actually not that stupid and he’s just as sensitive as you. You should watch how you treat that guy.” James grabbed a spring roll and pushed some sauce around the rim of the dish.

“Fine, next time I’ll be nicer. Where do you find these people?”

“Des, works at Everyday Music. He’s cool trust me.”

“So what’s new with you? You’re a little extra sensitive.” James bit the spring roll in half. “Did Leisha do that thing again.”

“Ssshh! Shut up!” He swung his head around wildly to see if anyone was listening. “What I told you I told you in strict confidence and a weak moment in…”

“Calm down man. I’m just fucking with you.” James smiled. “So how is Ms. Leisha?”

“She’s fine. Up to her eyeballs in wedding magazines. My problem is Bella.” Henry took a long slow drink of his iced coffee. James sighed at Henry’s unnatural and obvious dramatic pause. He wished he had a mini-tape recorder with dramatic occasional music that he could play whenever Henry did some shit like this. His self importance was begging for ridicule.

“Your other recurring weak moment.”

“You know I’m prone to weak moments.” Henry looked serious. He reached for the iced coffee but James beat him to it.

“Man, give me that.” He set it at the end of the table out of Henry’s immediate reach. Henry wrapped his hand around a glass of beer and fumed.

“She said she loves me. It was casual, but what do I do with that.”

“I’m not really sure what you’re expecting me to say.”

“I wish Allen was here. He understands this sort of thing.”

“Allen’s kind of a dick.”

“Perhaps, but I still think he’d know what to do. Maybe I’ll bring him a plate and see if his weather has improved.” Henry gulped down most of his beer and belched. “How’s the book going? Have you been writing?” Henry smiled.

“Fine, we’ll talk about you and Bella.”

“Ah, thank you for a bright moment in a dark, dark time.” His smiled faded. “I’m really torn as to what I should do. This was supposed to be easy. This was supposed to be contained. That’s what we both wanted.”

“And now?”

“She doesn’t really know what she wants. That’s what I think.” Henry said. He raised his glass and inspected the remains of his beer. He finished it and continued. “I’ll bet I lose this one in the end. I think that she’s still very much in love with Alice.”

“Where does that leave you?” James asked.

“Waiting, I guess.”

“So you are in love with Bella.” James helped himself to some pho. He crushed a lime into the consomme and tore apart the basil then stirred it in a bit.

“I’m not sure. Part of me does. She completes something in me.”

“What about Leisha?”

“You’re such a moralist, James. We can’t even have a civilized conversation without you reminding me that I’m carrying on more that one relationship.”

“I was just trying…”

“You should pull up those big city pants you’re waring. Your suburbs are showing.”

“Fuck you, fat man.”

Henry held up his empty glass and caught the waiters eye. He wriggled his glass back and forth like he was ringing a tiny bell. The waiter smiled and nodded.

“You have no sense of enough.” James accused, pointing with his spoon. “That’s why things are going to fall apart and get ugly for you.”

“Fall apart and get ugly, kind of lacks imagination considering what could happen.”

“You really should talk to Allen. You’re not looking for moral advice. You’re looking at the mechanics of what’s happening at trying to stabilize things.” James looked disappointed. “All this cleverness… it’ll destroy everything around you. But you can’t see it and you don’t care.”

“Of course I care!” They ate in silence, half reloading and half negotiating peace. Occasionally, they glanced at each other. Beers were ordered and plates were cleared. Eventually, order was restored.

“I don’t know half of what I ate but it was great. Thanks, man.” James smiled.

“No problem. I love this place.” Henry threw his credit card on top of the bill. “Can I give you a ride?”

“Sure.”

“What? That would make it the most expensive dope on the planet.” The car lighter popped out. Desmond crushed the end of his cigarette into it and inhaled. He put the lighter back and switched his cellphone to the other ear.
“Well, I don’t care if the whole town is dry. I’m not going to get fucked just so I can get high.”

Desmond’s home away from home was his pale blue ‘73 Dodge Dart. He loved his car. He had rebuilt it from the wheels up over the last five years. He was constantly volunteering to drive people anywhere so he could spend more time with it.

“No, I’m picking up Jesus and we’re going to go karaoke at Chopsticks. Allen said he’d be there but no one’s expecting him to show. Yes, he is a sad, sad fucker.”

He ground to a halt at the light on Stark and 33rd. A tall young woman with long red hair was waiting to cross in front of him. She stared at him. He reached over and unlocked the passenger door. She mouthed thanks and ran over to him.

“Look, let me call you later. I have to take care of something.” She opened the door and sat down.

“Hi, Desmond.”

“Abby.”

“I just need a ride downtown. I know you’re Allen’s friend and I’m probably not one of your favorite people right now.”

“I was going that way anyhow. It’s fine.”

“Thanks.”

They sat in silence for a while. Desmond handed Abby a cigarette. She excepted it and pushed in the lighter in one smooth movement with her left hand. They looked at each other. The lighter popped out and Desmond lit her cigarette.

“You’re a very graceful woman, Abby. You’re odd, but you have a lot of poise.”

“You’re a pig, Desmond.”

“Aye.”

“Did you know her? The woman Allen was seeing.” Abby blew smoke out of the corner of her mouth.

“Are you kidding? Allen fucking someone behind your back? Are you serious?” Desmond was smiling from ear to ear.

“It’s not funny.” Abby rolled the window down all the way and hung her arm out the window. “The light is green.”

“You’re serious.” He was still smiling. The car behind him honked.

“Yes.”

He put his foot on the gas and wrapped his arms around the giant Dodge steering wheel. His mind was on fire. He hadn’t known Allen that long but the idea of him cheating seemed so far out of his character.

“That sucks.” He couldn’t stop smiling.

“All I know is that she’s blond, she has bigger tits that I do and she has HPV.”

“She has AIDS?”Abby rolled her eyes. “You have AIDS?” She ashed out the window. Desmond waited for her response.

“Oh, you’re serious? HPV is a wart virus.”

“Warts huh…” Desmond puzzled knowingly.

“Oh my god… It’s an STD you dumbass. He gave me an STD.”

“Oh.”

Desmond stubbed out his cigarette and dropped the butt in the ashtray. He looked at Abby. She had green eyes, he’d never noticed before. She stared through the windshield blankly.

“Was she better looking than you or something?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

“You don’t know?”

“No.”

“How do you know she has bigger boobs than you?”

“I know she’s blond because I kept finding blond hair on Allen’s clothes. And her fucking hooker perfume.” She took a last drag of her cigarette and tossed it out the window. “And I know she had bigger tits than me because every man I date leaves me for a woman with big tits.”

“You have a dirty mouth young lady.”

“Are you really fucking flirting with me? Now?”

“Of course not. I don’t need any warts.”

He offered her another cigarette. She put it behind her ear. Desmond had spent many evenings with Abby and Allen, in bars, restaurants, and coffee shops. They’d spent hours talking, drinking, and laughing together. He was beginning to think he didn’t know the first thing about either of them.

“Do you still have that STD? Did you get a shot or…”

“No, I don’t have warts anymore.” She sighed. “Fuck downtown, you can let me out up here. I just want to get a drink.”

“Oh come on? I’m not hitting on you I’m just getting a lot of new information here and all this new stuff pretty fucking interesting. I just want to get up to date, you know?”

Abby looked him in the eyes. She squinted. She saw what she wanted to see and went back to staring at the road unfolding before them.

“Fine.” She said.”I still want a drink are you buying?”

“I’ll but the first round.” He said. “After that, God knows.”They fell into a long silence. The sounds of the world started creeping in; the car, the rain, other cars. Desmond turned on the radio, looking for something interesting.

“So how is Allen? Have you seen him?” She said, fidgeting with the door lock.

“It’s about life and love. It’s about Portland and me.” James said. He assembled the shots in a flash and waited for the steam to finish the job.

“Mine is more of a journey, you know, to the heart of it all.” Desmond said. He was fiddling with the I-pod behind the counter.
“That sounds cool.”
“Yeah, I’m almost done with it.”

James had been working on his second novel for almost ten years. He’d only been working at Mojo’s coffee for five. He’d spent most of the last two years rewriting the same chapter.

“So, you want me to read it when your done? Edit it?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Here’s your latte. That’s two twenty-five.” James took the customer’s money and shot him a curt smile. It was all automatic. James’ life was largely automated.
“Nothing Shocking!” Desmond said. “Here we go.”
“Do you remember when this album came out?”
“I was still living in California.”

The door opened and Kiva walked in, music blasting in her headphones. She was kind of half walking half dancing toward James. She was smiling. She was always smiling. Kiva was sort of exotic. She had a nonspecific multi-racial quality. People were always asking her what her nationality was. Kiva’s face was disorientingly pretty. She had her long, thin, perfectly maintained dreads up in a ponytail with some loose dreads hanging in front of her face. She had a nose ring, tattoos covering both arms down to the elbow and a labret. Her giant headphones totally covered her ears. James was madly in love with her.

“What are you listening to?” Desmond asked. He tapped his ears.
“MC5.” She said. “Hi, James.”
“Hi. I like your sleeves.”
“I know you tell me that all the time.” She smiled so wide. Looking at her infectious smile, James didn’t care that he made an ass out of himself every other time he saw her.
“Who’s MC5?” Desmond asked.
“They’re old, classic if you must.” Kiva put her giant headphones on Desmond and then gave him a hug.
“What can I get for you darling.” James said.
“You don’t look very happy today.”
“This is good.” Desmond tapped the earphones with both hands.
“Yeah.” She said smiling again. Smiles were her punctuation. “Can I get a chai.”
“Actually…”
“You,” She pointed at him. Her index finger came to rest right above his heart. “Never answered my question. What’s going on man. Why so glum?”
“Girl trouble. Nothing interesting.”
“Well love knows no mercy. Well maybe this will cheer you up.”

Kiva leaned over the counter. She took the back of his neck with her left hand and gently pulled him forward. She opened her mouth and kissed James deeply, passionately. James was in shock. She was everything he wanted but she was something that he couldn’t understand. What a kiss. She let him go and smiled. The world started to return to normal. What was he supposed to say now?

“We’re out of the chai mix do you want some tea instead?”
“Green tea? Sure.” She smiled. Kiva retrieved the headphones from Desmond’s head. He smiled at her and she smiled back. She left two dollars on the counter and sat down at a table near the front door.
“So what the fuck is between you two.” Desmond asked.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing.” He assembled her tea, everything automatic. “She’s a free spirit. She actually believes in free love. She wants me to be happy but she wants everyone to be happy.”
“Bullshit. She wants you man. Talk to her.”
“Kiva is a warm breeze that blows right through you. There’s no having her. She isn’t the kind of person that can be possessed. She’s the most beautiful woman you will ever see. God help the man who falls in love with her.”
“Yeah that’s total bullshit too.”
“Can you take this out to her.” James slid the tea over to Desmond.
“What the fuck? I don’t even work here.”
“Just do it for me.”
“Fine.”

James watched him walk over to Kiva. Desmond set the tea down next to her. She smiled. They exchanged a few words and then he came back.
“Yeah, she totally likes you.”

“No, I can’t.” She shut the door of her silver Passat and locked it. “Paul’s taking me out. Hold on a sec.” Lydia set her phone on the car and pulled her hair back. She scanned the parking lot absently while she threw together her pigtails. A man walked by staring. She rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly.
“Hey, I’m back.” She put on her over sized mirrored sunglasses. “Fuck you too.” She giggled. She put on some lip gloss and started walking towards Starbucks diagonally across from New Seasons. “Do you want to have lunch at…”

She never saw the Jeep coming.

“Call 911!” Alice sprinted across the parking lot. “Call 911!”
“I’ve got them right now.” A man in a nice gray suit with a bluetooth headset said. He had an iced coffee in one hand and a briefcase in the other. He was standing less than ten feet from Lydia.
“Call 911!” Alice yelled again.
She fell to her knees next to Lydia and grabbed her wrist. She found a weak pulse. Alice held her hand and looked her over. There was a small amount of blood coming out of the back of her head and her sunglasses had shattered cutting up her face a bit, but other than that she just had a few scrapes.
“I’m on with them right now. They’re sending paramedics.” He took a sip of his coffee. “You shouldn’t touch her, you know. She could sue you if she winds up paralyzed.”
“What’s your name?” Alice spoke slowly and loudly while patting the back of her hand. She didn’t respond. “My name is Alice. What’s your name?”
“Roger.” The man said “Is she going to be alright?”
Annoyed, she ignored Roger. “What’s your name? Can you hear me?” She started patting her cheek.
“What happened.” Lydia mumbled.
“You were hit by a truck. Do you know where you are?”
“The last thing I remember was that creepy guy.”
“What’s your name?”

“Lydia. I’m Lydia. Do you know where my phone is?” She coughed a bit.
“Can you open your eyes Lydia? How are you feeling?”
“No. I need my phone. Can you please find my phone?” She burst into tears, gripping Alice’s hand tight.
“It’s over there.” Roger gestured with his briefcased hand.

Her pink Razr was under the bumper of an Eclipse in front of New Seasons. They could hear the ambulance wailing a few blocks away.
“You missed a call. It was ringing just now. You have a pink Razr phone?”
“Yes.” Lydia said. She started to roll over. Alice stopped her.
“Lydia do you hear that siren? The ambulance is almost here. Don’t move until they get here, ok?”
“I really need my phone, please.”
“Yeah, it’s right here.” Roger gestured again.
“Hey! Asshole! Bring her the fucking phone!” Alice screamed.
“Please don’t fight. I there’s too much fighting..” Lydia let go of Alice’s hand.

Alice brushed the hair out of Lydia’s face. The ambulance pulled up next to the Jeep that had hit Lydia. The crew piled out and got down to it. In a few short minutes they loaded Lydia into the back and were gone. The police had come and were interviewing the woman driving the Jeep. Alice picked up Lydia’s phone and walked over to them. She told them what she new of what had happened and asked where they were taking her. She walked back to her car. As she pulled into her driveway, Lydia’s phone rang. Alice pulled the emergency brake, looked at the phone and started crying.

Allen – breakfast
June 26, 2007

“How long are you going to wait? It’s been a month.”
“I’m not ready.” Allen took a sip of his coffee, winced and started adding sugar.
“You didn’t even like her that much. You complained constantly.”

Henry had known Allen for five years. In that time Allen had been in three relationships, each worse than the last. He had begun to suspect that Allen hated himself or was at least a closet masochist. He went out of his way to get involved with women who had just had their heart broken so he could be on the receiving end of their sadness and malice.

“You know what you’re problem is?”

“If I say yes will you shut up and drink your coffee.”

“You’re letting life wash over you. You have no direction and you refuse to pursue any of the dreams you have.” Henry put some grape jelly on his white toast and stuffed it into his mouth. “You have dreams right?”

“That’s a wide, wide load.” Allen smiled.

“I’m completely serious. Ever since I’ve known you, Every change in your life, women included, has just sort of happened to you. You think that’s healthy?” Allen pushed around the remaining egg yolk with his wheat toast, pretending to ignore Henry. “You’ve had two promotions at the job you hate because other people quit. You’ve lived all your life in Portland cause you’re a hopeless bastard. You only do anything with your free time because I force you to. And you never date, you just let an insane woman move in an take over your passive non-life until she can’t stand you anymore and then she sleeps with someone interesting to get back at you for being so completely blah.”

“I haven’t moved away because Portland is the best place to live in the world.”

“Exactly!” Henry pointed the other half of his jellied toast at Allen. “You’re hopeless. And I think that you believe that crap about Portland just so you never have to think about leaving and doing something interesting or relevant with your life.”

“Why do you live here then?”

“Don’t change the subject. You can debate the Portland thing but you can’t deny the rest of whatever I just said.”

“You think everyone should be just like you.”

“The world would be a far better place. And that’s why you’re going out tonight. We are going to find you someone, someone sane.”

“I’m not ready. I can’t move on yet. It’s too soon.” Allen shook his head.

“Are you guys ready? Should I get your check?” Their waitress appeared out of nowhere beaming a radiant smile.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Henry?”

“You haven’t finished your coffee.” Henry pointed at his cup.

“I don’t plan to.” Allen said. “He took another sip and winced again. It was crap to begin with and now it’s incredibly sweet crap.”

“You’re right, I’m not paying for this. Allen… Ma’am…” Henry tipped an invisible cowboy hat at the waitress and left the booth.

She watched him leave, thinking that he was kinda cute in for a kinda fat guy. She turned back to Allen. He was actually better looking than Henry, but he was far less attractive. Her smile gone, she dropped the check in front of him and went to check on her other tables. Allen looked at the check and at took another sip of his coffee.

“It’s not that bad.” Allen sighed. “He rearranged his dirty silverware on the paper napkin. I’m not ready.”